MEDITATION ON SACRED SERVICE

Brenda Hollweger

Copyright Tom Prescott 2006

What is Sacred Service, or what does it mean to be of service in a sacred way? Perhaps we can start by saying that it means providing a service in and to the world from a deeper and more heartfelt place within than one is normally conscious of doing. Certainly that is the kind of thing I was seeking when I started my journey with the Course in Sacred Service in the fall of 2002. Another facet of this, and one that I learned more thoroughly through the two-year experience of taking the course with nineteen other questing souls, was that this kind of service cannot be done in isolation – the lone reformer in an institution for example, although it can start there. Sacred Service works in communion with others – in community or communities. By that I mean engaging with others whether it be fellow humans, animals, plants etc. and listening into them in such a way so as to begin to understand what is needed in the way of service, rather than forging ahead with our own proscribed ideas of “how things should be dealt with”. The experiences gained through taking such a course can be life-changing, although often in a more gentle way than one usually experiences life-changes. Many of my fellow students, now dear soul-friends, like me have had their own life-changing experiences, in as many different ways, and I feel that we have grown and deepened as individuals because of the two years we shared together.

Prior to entering this two-year study (part time), one might envision gaining a deepening of self-knowledge, discovering better ways to be of service in the world, and finding perhaps one’s “true path” in life. For me, after finishing the course in June 2004, with an added nine months for the rich experiences to germinate through March 2005, the first and second wishes turned out to be true, and the third well, partially true. Let me explain. It is said that “there is no one true path” yet in some sense there is a true path… at any one time. What I have discovered is that I have become more fully engaged in a heartfelt way in activities that are more life-enriching than before, for both me and the people I encounter or work with. In other words a central theme for my life at the moment has emerged, around which other activities have gathered and dovetailed together quite well. I suspect my life looks much the same on the outside to my family, friends and others here at home, except for my letting go of old involvements which were not working well, and developing some new ones…. that have engaged my heart as well as my head. To someone like myself, who has had the opportunity to learn the basics of what it means to be of service to others in the world in a truly sacred way, a great gift has been given from two very dedicated guides, Robert and Cheryl Sardello.

A major part of the Sacred Service course is the meditation practices. Through working diligently with these over time one comes to realize that such meditations can act as a basis or a springboard, for the “re-ordering” of some of life’s priorities. In general this aspect of the course which also involves working with increasingly more transformative exercises over the two-year period, can help develop the students’ ability to meditate more deeply over time, giving them the opportunity to gain greater insight into themselves and others. Starting with a relatively simple set of meditations and slowly adding more complexity, one is given enough time to practice, observe the results and journal about one’s related experiences, during each approximate four-month period between sessions. The time taken to do each exercise is short, in some cases just minutes a day and often in the morning first thing.

I have continued to practice the meditations that have been the most helpful, and at certain times have even returned to earlier ones when it seemed appropriate. Here is a broad explanation about how one particular and rather difficult meditation is done, bearing in mind that I do not present any specific instructions, since the meditation itself is one which should only be attempted after one has been fully prepared through earlier specific heart meditation exercises. Also it should always be undertaken allowing long intervals between each such session, so that the meditative work has time to develop and flourish, and so run its course. Patience and carefulness are the watchwords here.

MEDITATING THE SHADOW SIDE OF THE EGO This is a way of letting the Shadow side of our egos, the not so acceptable parts of ourselves surface within our consciousness so as to be available for transformation into more helpful and “positive” characteristics. This is achieved through a heart centered meditative process, which allows only one of these initially “negative” characteristics at a time to surface, and usually with one that we are willing or at least ready to work with. The beginnings of the resultant transformative process is reached first by going through a series of carefully followed meditative steps over several months beforehand which build a sort of inward spiritual support system, giving us assistance as we prepare ourselves to confront issues within us, which we would normally avoid. The first steps of the meditation are designed to call in this support system so as to ensure that we have extra help and strength in order to deal with what might lie ahead. Prepared meditatively in this way we are ready to allow one of these parts of our Shadow side, to “speak” its piece as it were, or try to explain to us what it is trying to tell us, or is all about. Having heard the explanation, the next step in the meditation is to “own” the issue as truly part of oneself, so that instead of turning away from it, or disowning it, as we might normally do, we draw it into ourselves and into our heart for transformation. This heart-centered place allows it to begin moving towards a way of being that is more helpful to us rather than remaining as a handicap. Why is the heart such a place of transformation? It is said that the heart is the seat of the soul, a place where we feel love. It can also become a place of self healing. By working with the heart meditations presented in the Sacred Service course over time, a greater clarity, a strengthening and the beginnings of a kind of purification takes place in the heart center, helping to develop the heart’s ability to open to a the transformation process within us. This seat of the soul, the heart, has other characteristics that reveal themselves to us as we work with such meditations, but here we are concentrating on its transformative qualities. Such qualities make the heart a unique place in which the development of Sacred Service can begin.

I would like to show how this particular meditation has developed within me from the time I began working with it about eight months ago until now. Before that time I had worked diligently for over two and a half years with the earlier heart meditations from our Sacred Service course. I believe that much of this earlier work was preparation for work with the Shadow.

My first experience with the meditation was a little surprising since I wasn’t expecting the issue to arise that did, yet also very encouraging, giving me the incentive to continue with the work, while bearing in mind the cautionary notes above. This first experience happened in class, so it was good to feel the support of the group, to get some feedback on what happened from Robert at the time, and to hear other members share their experiences also. In fact all the meditations we were given during the course were always done together in class first before we were to practice them on our own at home later. This way a lot of questions were answered about how to do them, and how they work inwardly. I will explain this first experience of The Shadow Meditation in some detail in order to show how such meditations may unfold.

After settling myself into my chair, closing my eyes and going through the preparatory steps of the procedure, I found myself facing this first shadow aspect of my ego. Protected as I was by the proper entry into the meditation, without undue flinching I saw before me the shadow image of a creature with the huge head of one of those Chinese dragons one often sees carried in a parade as an effigy, during the celebration of the Chinese New Year. The creature seemed to be writhing about in much the same way and reaching towards me with its hands with brandishing, clutching movements. It was yelling and screaming in uncontrolled anger and rage, although anything remotely resembling words was incomprehensible to me. I waited and watched for a moment or two, particularly as the head of the creature kept dipping towards my face and fixing me with its huge wild eyes. Then I proceeded to the next step of the meditation, asking it a question so as to understand what it was trying to say or tell me. It seemed to be saying that it wanted to be heard, that nobody was listening and that this anger was the only way to get noticed. Also I viscerally sensed in my own body a tremendous amount of tightness, a response I believe to what was emanating from the creature. After this, encompassed as I felt by the support system (mentioned above) I drew this ugly shadow aspect of myself into my heart center, - approximately the center of my chest – flailing and screaming as it was. Almost immediately it began to calm down and seemed, in imagery to fall slowly to the ground in a small crumpled heap. From this position I felt the flow of something into it from the surrounding center of my heart, and the creature began to uncurl itself and to stand up straight and tall. After a few moments the final impression was of a tall slender impressive being, standing in quiet strength before my inner gaze. It seemed as though the power and energy in the anger and the frustration had begun to transform themselves into another kind of “power”, that of great strength, and the energy into a sort of “listening” calmness as though waiting for the moment when it would be appropriate to act. Quiet, focused self-composure was in evidence as opposed to a loud and frantic need to be heard immediately. I then allowed the picture to disappear as the final step, waiting in the silence for a moment or two. I felt a deep relaxed breath flow through me as I opened my eyes. As some of us shared their experiences, similarities and differences emerged which I felt were very helpful as new insights emerged. Feedback convinced me that this particular meditation would continue to be deeply transformative for me, although it was suggested that I perform the exercise no more than once a week, because of its focus on such things as our anger and the like.

Bearing in mind the warning, I resolved to begin work with The Shadow aspects of myself as suggested, and after settling back into my home environment for a while, did so very carefully. As time progressed and feeling that some of my Shadow “issues” were being worked through successfully by the process, rather foolishly I tried doing it more regularly. It was then that I discovered how important the warnings were. I had begun to feel really down on myself and even mildly depressed. Some things in my life were becoming overwhelming, and my energy was low. I took a fresh look at what I was doing and soon realized that all the focus I was giving to the negative aspects of myself despite the inner transformative work, was impacting how I operated in the “real” world. I proceeded with some of the earlier meditations we had learned which helped to build up my inner strength again. From then on, I approached the Shadow meditation with due care and reverence.

As a result, if one can talk of results in such a contest, since change or transformation is always an on-going process, with the help of such meditation practices I have found myself able gradually to look at those parts of myself I would normally avoid seeing. As with the first time, and the unexpected confrontation with certain aspects of my anger, whenever I would sit down to meditate the Shadow, I would try to hold out no expectations for what might arise and I have nearly always been surprised. The issues that have arisen in my psyche have been such things as great grief (like existential sorrow), the ridiculous clown, the clever articulate superior one, and very surprisingly recently, some of what I felt were my more endearing qualities that “did not need transforming” in my view, such as my singing voice and my smile to name just a couple. After that phase I then found myself dealing with deeper issues, seeing aspects of myself that other people may be able to see, that I find hard to see or admit to, even when told by family or friends. The process has evolved in an interesting way.

Taking the issues above one at a time, I’d like to show how I witnessed the beginnings of transformation from the center of the heart within the meditation itself. We have seen already how the power of anger began transforming into a quiet strength. This not to say that I still don’t get almost overwhelmed by anger (and often anger that seems stronger than before) but I am more aware of what is happening and seek to change it. Some of the other shadow quality transformations to mention include:

GRIEF – I saw and felt an image of the “weeping me” overwhelmed with grief, standing bowed now in the heart center, and then experienced a comforting warmth enfold me. My tears then became like a flow of crystal clear water, as though cleansing me and all my surroundings. After a moment I opened my eyes feeling very refreshed. The transformation process had begun.

THE CLOWN – the image of a court jester had appeared and seemed to want show off its cleverness and comedic capabilities. Drawn into the heart it began to transform into quieter more thoughtful looking creature, albeit with a twinkle, who on closer observation began developing the demeanor of an inward looking person, perhaps seeking deeply for inner meaning. I felt encouraged that this transforming “clown” had much to teach me. (After I ended this session I recalled that in earlier times the court jester was often the source of wisdom that a king used, however cloaked it was in humor)

THE ARTICULATE ONE – Oh, how proud and voluble this one was, with such facility to turn a phrase and speak with flourish! Once held in the heart of course I began to see a different story. Not surprisingly in the presence of the purity of the heart center this master of the spoken word became almost silent, bowed down in humility then, rising slowly again to a sitting, listening posture. I began to hear words which I couldn’t identify and so it seemed to me that this side of me had a need to learn and to listen more before speaking –however eloquently.

I believe the following ‘endearing’ qualities showed up as a result of my feeling the sense of overwhelm I mentioned earlier, due to over-using the Shadow exercise. It seemed that even those qualities I loved in myself were requiring transformation too. I was saddened and a not a little shocked initially at this realization, but still determined to “look” at this aspect of my shadow.

THE SINGER Beautiful soft sounds, although reaching a little, and sometimes a little off pitch, came out of the creature which, on entering the heart grew quiet and still. This is the first time during the Shadow meditation that I began to hear the distant sounds of the most incredibly beautiful voices/music, like a huge wordless chorus drawing ever closer. I began to feel warm currents seemingly from these “voices” flowing in and around me, and heard the words “Listen, Learn”

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THE SMILE I had often been told when younger that I had a lovely smile. I remember as a kid of nine practicing my smile in front of the mirror and sticking my forefingers into my cheeks to try to create the dimples I didn’t have. Of course it didn’t work, but the smile remained. This ‘lovely smile’ started out beautifully as the Shadow faced me, then became caricatured in the Shadow self as the grimacing smile of the Cheshire cat. (Remember when the smile was all that was left in the tree, as Alice [in Wonderland] watched the cat disappear?). For me it was quite a shock to see it as part of me, although a little funny too. This Cheshire Cat Smile once in my heart, began to disappear too, as I felt this aspect of myself surrounded by warm currents emanating from beings with radiant and beautiful kindly smiles, I began to recognize this ethereal radiance as transformation that comes from within, which works outwards to the surface of our being, finally showing itself in our demeanor and our faces. I was re-learning at a deeper level the value of genuine caring towards others that emanates as a blessing from within us.

For those harder issues mentioned that I am now dealing with today, it is more important than ever that I follow the guidelines learned through Sacred Service. They act as a real protection from my becoming overwhelmed, and lend strength to the transformation process itself.

Entering the heart-space either through the Shadow Exercise, or any of the Sacred Service meditations, I sense the healing qualities of both the currents within and of the beautiful sounds of a wordless chorus. As I live and work in my everyday life I feel these in my heart as a constant echo and companion from that sacred world of the spirit. I am uplifted and sustained. Such a blessing is without price.

Brenda Agar Hollweger immigrated from England in 1976 She worked for thirty years in the computer industry, eleven running her own consulting business in St. Louis. In 1991, Brenda turned her attention to community service, helping raise substantial donations in southern Maryland after relocating to the Chesapeake Bay area with her husband, Dave, in 1996. From teenage on, beginning with yoga and meditation, Brenda has consistently explored her inner life. Now, at age 65, she serves her community as Meditation Facilitator, teaching in the Healthy Alternatives division of her local county hospital. She enjoys writing, painting and drawing, and loves to walk her quiet beach.