After
Sacred Service
Kate Wagner
As I sit in my office staring at my Certificate of Completion in A Schooling of
Sacred Service, dated June 10, 2003, I am amazed at how it can be that long
ago, yet at the same time, I am feeling I am still in the ÒschoolingÓ and there
will never be a completion, an ending. What a journey this has been. I
remember the first time I was introduced to Spiritual Psychology, at a
conference in Washington, D.C. called Common Boundaries, many years ago.
Early into the presentation we were asked to do an exercise where we imagined
our walking to be walking on the EarthÕs skin. I was struck, overpowered
by the sense of responsibility that that task required of us, each step needing
to be a conscious step , performed by one fully awake and filled with humility,
awe, will , reverence By the end
of the talk , I realized this was a beginning of something so new for me, work
that I would be doing hopefully for the rest of my life.
For the
next ten years I was fortunate to be able to take many courses with The School
of Spiritual Psychology in many different places and on many different topics.
Each class opened another door, was another one of those steps on the Earth,
another step in responsibility, a moving from personal psychology to spiritual
psychology, the ÒscienceÓ of stretching to know the spiritual realms by
strengthening oneÕs soul forcesÉa way of being in the present and learning how
to become open, aware, awake to what is coming to us from the future, a way of
being receptive to the spiritual worlds. With each class there was
a deepening and a broadening of that first sense of responsibility.
When
the first Sacred Service course was being offered in October, 2001, it seemed
to be the next natural step, for all of what had been learned over the past ten
years was preparation for, a leading to, this. ÒNon Nobis Solum Sed Toti
Mundo NatiÓ (not for ourselves but for the whole world were we born) was the
quotation on the bottom of the program. We began learning how to try and live
this quotation, how to move from spectator consciousness to heart
consciousness. Spectator consciousness: the world of materialism (anything
not spiritual), where mastery and power are important forces (everything I
learn I ingest and it becomes mine),where my individuality, my sense of who I
am, keeps me apart from everything else ; to heart consciousness: a way of
knowing through the heart, the organ of perception to the spiritual worlds.
It is in heart consciousness where serving and mystery reside, where
there is a sense of connectedness – I am a part of something much greater
than me, I am a part of the whole.
For
two years we worked in a community , trying to learn, practicing over and over,
developing responsibility for oneself as an instrument of sacred serving,
developing the capacities to nurture and be in communion with the spiritual
worlds, and to trying to be able to see the divine in everything. And then
we graduated, stating a pledge and making a promise that sacred serving would
be our lifeÕs work and that we were connected with each other for all of time.
Then
into the world. How to live and do sacred serving, a way of loving, a
verb, active, never resulting in an ending, ever-expanding, how to do this in
the world? My initial response after two and one-half years is to keep
showing up, day after day, with the intent of being conscious, of daily Òdying
awake,Ó emptying ourselves of all of what we know, all of what we think we know,
in order to be able to serve from the silence of the heart, that inviolable
spiritual organ.
Showing
up, being responsible for this intense inner work while living daily in the
worldÉthis can be incredibly hard at times. Sometimes showing up isnÕt
enough; we can have the intent, but very often it is difficult to attend to the
intent, to do the work. Crises, changes, physical issues, deaths, these
are some of the life events that invoke fear, that thwart the intent to do
sacred serving, a doing of love. These events can be so overwhelming, so
threatening, that they provide the temptation to go numb, unconscious, to fall
asleep, to stay in the realm of the known as opposed to being open to the
unknown. We are lured into the safety of the past, to stay in the closed
circle of what we know and what we have always done. We are not in
the world but hidden. Yet, as Julian Sleigh describes them in his book CrisisPoints,
these threatening obstacles can be looked upon as Òdemons that fly around us
looking ugly and horribleÉbut under their wings they bear hidden giftsÓ, and if
we challenge them and make them yield their gifts, they will be satisfied and
will leave, allowing us to benefit from what they brought.
But how to do this? The images of a closed circle and an open
spiral might be of help. First we have to recognize we are stuck, lured
and then locked into a circle, doing the same thing over and over, yet we are
being challenged and therein might be a benefit, anew way of showing up and
serving. In the circle, there is no opening, nothing can come in and
nothing can go out. So facing the challenge, even showing up, is
impossible. Very often the body is the first indicator of our
Òstuckness.Ó The body in its wisdom shifts in preparation for change, and
we have to be silent and listen to it. (Interesting that the words ÒsilentÓ and
ÒlistenÓ share the same letters.)
Just recently I had an experience of this, of the body awakening me to
the fact that I had fallen asleep and was stuck . This past year has been
a very full one, filled with many changes, losses, many deaths. As we were
moving into the month of December, I thought I had done quite well in adjusting
to and accepting each change. It did seem like they kept on coming with little
time in between, little time to reflect, but overall I was so grateful to have
ÒsurvivedÓ all of these ÒtrialsÓ and the year was finally ending . I had been
noticing some aches and pains in various parts of my body, but I attributed
them to poor judgment in exercise and nutrition and tried to adjust things when
I remembered , which was not very often since December is the busiest time of
year for me at work. Then one day I woke up and realized the pains were not
easing but increasing. I made an appointment with a doctor and went two
days later . She forwarded me on to the Emergency Room immediately. I
received incredibly loving care and attention from the moment I arrived, and
after the initial shock and fear of being there, I knew it was not my heart,
even though all the symptoms were pointing to thatÉat least not the heart as a
physical organ. After many hours and every test imaginable, the doctors
also came to that conclusion and I was released, with strict instructions to go
home and stay flat on myback for four days. The body was making a very
strong statement and I did end up listening and being aware that I had gotten
lulled into the circle of thinking I was fine, when what I had been was not
responsible. I had not honored each ÒtrialÓ by making the time to be
still, to go into silence , into the heart and listen, wait, coming to that
place of trusting that each event is part of the whole and accepting that all
is right . My body had been shifting and I had to be knocked flat on my back so
I could break out of the circle and listen. Those next four days were spent
quietly, in stillness, in silence, in gratitude and reverence.
An
equally important part of realizing that we are stuck in a closed circle is
recognizing we are not alone and cannot do this work
alone. Humility, being humble enough (humble comes from the Latin
meaning on the ground or of the earth, hence physically, morally, lowly) to
remember it does take others. When I was in the doctorÕs office, she
would not let me drive to the hospital , no matter how much I protested I could
do it myself . She asked if I had someone I could call, and I remembered,
realized,yes, I did. I called, I asked, I received help from someone to whom I
am forever connected, And with help of another, the circle opened.
A
passage from Rudolph SteinerÕs From
the Fifth Gospel:
ÒBelieving ourselves to be independent we become all
the more slavishly dependent on our own inner life. We form opinions but
are completely unable to ask questions. We only learn to ask questions when we
are able to develop the
inner balance that allows reverence and devotion to be
retained when it comes to the sacred spheres of life, and when we are able to
have an element in us that always sseeks to remain independent of even our own
judgment in relation to anything that comes from those spheres. We only
learn to ask questions by being able to develop an expectant mood, enabling
life to reveal something to us; by being able to wait; by feeling some
hesitation in applying our own judgment, especially in relation to anything
that should flow in a sacred way from the sacred spheres of existence ; by not
judging but by asking questions, not only of people who may be able to tell us,
but above all of the world of the spirit.Ó
We
need each other . We are responsible to stay open, to change, to grow, to stay
connected, to be a whole of an individual(body, soul and spirit) while being a
part of the whole, that which is coming into being.
Last
night I had a dream, one that has come to me once before, where I was on a spiral
made out of gold, silver and copper threads, sliding up and down. The
three strands were separate parts yet all part of the whole of the
spiral. But in this dream I became the spiral, a weaving of the three
elements (gold a symbol of thinking , silver a symbol of feeling, copper a
symbol of will), and the movement was not only up and down, but turning in all
directions and at all angles, in and out , up and down , round and round.
In
the circle we cannot move. There is no opening to receive air , to be
inspired (to receive spirit). The body will let us know that, through a
shifting, if we listen. And there are others around us who can be of help, if
we ask and if we listen. And once there is an opening, the shift to the
spiral can occur . The spiral, unlike the circle, enables us to move, to
change, to grow, to be of service. The spiral can lead us inward, to
silence and listening, then outward into the world, upward and downward . With
the movement of the spiral we are connected to ourselves, to others, to the
realms of soul and spirit.
When
the events that are possible threats to our showing up as a readied
vessel for sacred serving appear, we can be silent, listen, breathe , question,
be inspired, hold the image of the spiral and begin to move. Move step by step,
each one consciously and responsibly performed by an individual fully awake ,
filled with humility , awe, will, reverence. And then one might be
able to begin the doing of sacred serving, seeing the divine in the
other, seeing that we are the world and the world is us, and remembering the
words of Meister Eckhart: ÒThe most essential moment is always the present
one. The most essential person is the one who stands before you. The
most essential deed is always love.Ó
An ending prayer:
May wisdom shine through me
May love glow in me
May strength penetrate me
So that in me may arise
A helper of mankind
A servant of Holy Things
Selfless and true.
Kate
Wagner, MA,LPC, is a psychotherapist practicing in a clinic in Burlington
North Carolina, utilizing the approach of Spiritual Psychology. She has studied
spiritual psychology for many years and has taught with the School of Spiritual
Psychology. She resides in Greensboro , North Carolina .